end to this blog

I will be starting a new blog. And yes, I will be keeping up with it. I am choosing to be more personal with this one due to certain idiots leaving comments on my blog that were rude and they dont even have names. Also, As you all know, rob and I are not together and have not been for alomst a year now so I think the name is not applicable anymore. I do have a heart, trust me. So, until then, here is my new blog site, which is not up and running yet. http://lindseyandlarzypants.blogspot.com/ Love you all. :) p.s. send me your email addresses so I can add you. linzeppelin@gmail.com

best costume ever

My mom is the coolest most genius mom around. She whipped up my costume in record time. I am so proud of her! She made it from scratch along with my friend jacquies mermaid costume. No patterns. I talked up my costume and delivered. Thanks mom. My roommate had a circus themed birthday party. I was obviously the half man half woman, and there were all kinds of crazy costumes there. There are ton more photos but ill just put few up.

Life is crazy!!! Sheesh. I am the worst blogger in the universe and I really dont care whatsoever. I dont have time to blog, or do anything for that matter. but life is good.

I am feeling so heavy with the world . I just want to tell everyone that I've been dealing with to relax and lower their expectations a little. Why do we as humans even have to have them? Like you are really going to die if they are not met. Its traggic. Life can be simple. Life can be sweet. But making a huge deal out of everything will not help the process.

Larz is talking like hes a 15 yr old and it scares the living daylights out of me. he is now trying to negotiate the rules. He says the funniest things sometimes. Rob took him trick or treating because I had a wedding to shoot. He was superman. I was sad I missed him in his costume. ): he is taking a bath right now and making truck noises and playing with his blocks. I once filmed him bathing when he was tiny. I posted it up in my first blog pages. He was so small and beautiful. Life has changed so much since then. I can barely believe how different everything is. Now he is a little boy, even more beautiful. I am so in love with him and his development.

The leaves are falling. . . I love the feeling in the air. I feel ready for a change. I wish I could move to the trees. I need simplicity so badly. I want to step backwards, open a closet and shut myself inside. I want to do something different. I love photography but I want to make it more than what it is. Add something. I just wish I could have some exposure to some difference. some diversity. Some raw form of something. Im ready for the next step to my journey. I can feel it coming. . . and it feels exciting. Here are some recent photos ive taken.

Goodmorning friends and family! I hope all is well in everyones beautiful little worlds. :) Larz and I are eating pancakes and watching goonies for the 10th time. He is in love with this movie. Go figure. His little mind is suprising me on a daily basis. He is talking so much and has quite a personality on him. I am so proud of him. He has such good manners and is such a great helper. Besides being a little tornado and leaving a mess wherever he goes, he's a great little kid. Sometimes I look at him and get sad that I can't hold him on my lap and play with his little feet and kiss them while he laughs. If I try that now he screams and kicks. I'd probably get a black eye or broken nose. He still sometimes sits on my lap or tells me to hold him. Those are nice moments. We were at the grocery store the other day and everyone that walked by would get a "hi!" and a little high five from him. He will talk to anyone. If he sees someone with a beard or long hair he says "dude!" really loud. ha ha. I have no idea where that came from. I Carly is his favorite show and he loves to dance. He is actually a really good dancer. I take credit for that one. You should see his moves! I fall more in love with him everyday. He says the most interesting little things. I love my little man cub.

I have been beyond busy. Shoots everyday, weddings every weekend. I had a couple of vacations this last month. I went to San Fran to check it out with some friends and go to a music festival and then Utah to camp with some good friends of mine. I wanted to get away before the storm hit. :) I just got back from a wedding I shot in Orange County. It was the hardest wedding I have shot and the most expensive for sure. It was beyond beautiful. I hadn't seen the ocean in almost 3 years. What an amazing thing. there is no comparison to the feeling I get when I sit on the beach or walk along the shore.

My Maple is getting a brand new engine. I cant wait to have her back and in better shape. It gives me butterflies whenever I think about it. :)

Ill post some pics of Larzy soon when I take some. I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry if I've been a bit absent. I'll post more often.

I have had it with this age. I dont know how or why moms go through this 2 3 4 5 6 7 times. He is contantly saying no. Constantly disobeying me. constantly saying "mine". I cant sit for 2 seconds. I cant get any work done. I never have a clean house. I dont know how to use a drill gun or I would have solved alot of my problems with doors and cabinets. I have such a curious out of control michevious child. I am so tired after one day with him. Im never doing this again. Ever. but ....I love him. Sigh.

annual girls trip

My dear friends (married couple/musicians/comedians) own a bunch of land up in alpine and built their own little cabin together. We go there every year. Well this year we had a heard of women with us. All strong. All beautiful. All unique. all Creative in every way. My best friend Julia just got her masters degree in psychology and found out right before the trip that she got a job in Washington as a professor to teach. We were all very proud of her and cried a lot. We just cried a lot period. I have THE MOST amazing women in my life. We love hard and play hard. Each one is so amazing and different. I laughed so hard I should have had a heart attack, I cried, I danced my heart out, I sang, I ate, I loved. I brought my play dresses and had some girls put them on and frolic around. it started raining in the aspens and I called for a dance break. I blasted some reggae music and all of us danced in the rain. I felt like a witch. ha ha. I loved every second of it. Every second. this is what friendship is supposed to feel like. period. You say what you feel. You love who you love and show them. You appreciate nature and the gifts we have around us. . . I was very happy.

I am up in Cottonwood with my two dear friends. Today while one was in Flagstaff we dressed up and did a photo shoot of eachother. Today was vintage pin up style and tomorrow is earthy 60s. I had so much fun today in Jerome and running around. We sit under the stars and talk and laugh until the wee hours of the morning. Larz is in Chicago with Rob right now so I'm taking a much needed vacation. sigh. life is hard. ha ha. Here is a sneak peek.

good times

I actually went bowling and finally came to terms with the fact that I'm the worst bowler around.I went with my friends from high school and had a blast. Then went with my roommate last night to check out this band that I've heard about. Greyhound Soul. They stripped me dry. They moved me. They were amazing. Period. Both her and I were just closing our eyes and soaking it in. I love that I have her in my life. She appreciated music like I do. It was a great great time.

seriously?

This is where I will be shooting my wedding this December. And now like 4 of my friends are coming so its now a vacation! I need it.

update

SO larz has his cast on. He's so cute. Bathing is interesting with him. .ha. He is constantly changing the movies out of the dvd player...singing to himself...dancing...talking...playing. . he's great. He's also ALOT to handle lately. What an age. :) He's going back to Chicago next week with Rob. I'm so happy that hes going back. He's at the age where he can have fun with is cousins and really get to know robs mom and sister. Last time we went he was smaller and not as fun. Now they will really get a feel for his little personality and fall in love with him even more. :)

Ryen Started 1st grade. I cannot believe it. She is getting so old and she takes my breath away every time I see her pictures. Larz reminds me of her so much. They look so much alike. I love my little ones.

I am staying busy with my work. I just booked a wedding in cancun and I am SO excited about it. I love that I get to do what I love to do. I am still busy all of the time. I love my house and my roommate. i love having people over for dinner. I love my friends and the love they give me. they have been there for me so much this last year. My family as well.

Everything is starting to look better. More beautiful. I am Me and I'm happy. Life is good.

life

Larz fractured his wrist the other day. So now we are gimpy together. ha. He gets a cast next week and you better believe its going to be green like his mommys. He is constantly running into walls, falling, etc. He is a pure clutz, like his mom. I dont know if Rob was clutzy when he was little but I'm sure that I was from the stories. He's bound to be a speed demon and a clutz between rob and I. Great. ha. I will post some pictures next week after he gets his cast.

and in the mean time.....i love my roommate. ..this is a regular day with us...and here is how I've been getting around.

~The better your mind gets as totally immersing itself in what you are doing, the less you will be plagued by distractions, desires, and fragmentation-and the more satisying your daily existence will become.~

Sounds so easy huh? ha.
I had a beautiful experience last night.

Through my own healing process, which hasn't been coming along to well, I realized I needed help. I have good days and bad days but more bad lately.
I have a problem dwelling on the negative things, especially when they are so apparent and suffocating. This pain has been so strong and controlling. When things change out of nowhere and cause your whole life to be turned upside down in an instant, it is hard to adjust to.

Having said that. ...

I asked my friend Lindsay to help. She is amazing. She has a heart so pure and beautiful and kind. She is my friend first and also my yoga instructor. She has also placed a child for adoption so we are very very close. We just get eachother. Anyways. She came over last night.

She brought little candles and a relaxing cd. She had me do some stretching and rubbed my neck while I was doing it. Then I layed down. Closing my eyes and breathing in and out she helped me to calm down and think in the now of what was going on focus on my heart center. We as humans hold alot of emotions in our bodies in certain areas. We literally store them in there without even realizing it. Our pain, trauma, our fear. Most of it is stored under our pelvis and throughout our hips. It may sound crazy to some but I believe in this.

Without getting into this too much, I will say this. She had me do an excersice that is meant to release you of that stored away emotion and pain. boy oh boy. I was cryin like a baby. I still had a wall up though so it was controlled somehow. I hate that stupid mental wall that my mind causes.

After that I relaxed and meditated with her help. She can always get me to amazing places. I was laying in a field of aspen trees with the sunlight bouncing all over my face. The trees were swaying over my head and I was content. She rubs this stuff on you that smells so good and fresh. I then went into this hole in space and came out on the other side of it to nothing but black and stillness. I found my ball of energy floating around me and tucked it inside of my heart. It was big and yellow and swirling with furry and power. That was an amazing feeling being out there with nothing to think about but your reason for being.

She gave me a montra: "forgive me I'm sorry, thank you I love you" Which can be applied to anything or anyone but it hit home with me.

After she pulled me out of my little mediation she had me write in my journal. She then gave me a little vision board that she made herself in thought of me. There are little clippings and sayings and pictures all over it. Things like "strong spirit, .....What time weakens, nature can strengthen,......the time is right to change radically, ......Uncover your true self,.....into the wild, ......My mind became very still and clear, like a mountain lake, and there was a feeling of starting fresh" I love that. I started crying as I was reading all of these things and wrapped my arms around her. Who does that?! She's amazing. Then she made me cava tea and we layed out under the trees and watched the lightening. Amazing.

It is time to change and be happy. I need to accept my life as it is and love love love it. I am so powerful and beautiful inside and my outward self is not projecting that at all. Life happens. Heartache happens. It is what it is.
I need to focus on the now of things and stop getting so distracted.

I am full of raw emotion and an overwhelming desire to run wild through the forest. ..as usual. I Bathed in the moonlights rays last night with the wind all around me in the desert. . . . I let my thoughts run wild, as well as my hair. I felt like flying in my sea of peace that was unraveling before me, spinning in circles..spreading out my arms and making my shadow on the desert floor known..taking over the night sky and never coming down...The air was cool and my heart was open. My soul automatically soaks in things like this so much its insane.. ..Man I really wanted to fly....

My life is my own. Existence is purpose. Progression is natural. Lessons are learned so progression is more possible.

I am so consumed with this life and the expectations of it all. It's enough to drive an old soul like mine straight into the ground. Things should be simple, beautiful, delicate. I am finding that they are none of the above lately.

I am being pulled to my limit and my eyes are opening. I am finding more lindsey juice in this old bag of bones and its strong and ready to fight. But what battle do I want to fight if any? The battle to be successful or the battle to be content, happy, and simple like I have always been. ??? random. random thoughts.

I want to take a break. Live in a simple home somewhere in the woods, preferably next to running water. I want to read as much as I can, write until my hands break.... take pictures with my 45 Polaroid of things that don't have opinions like leaves and their beautiful veins and trees.... make lentil soup... pick at my banjo barefoot in a meadow of some kind....stare at larz while he plays with rocks by the water and sing him to sleep...grow my hair out long and remember how dumb it REALLY is to wear labels of any kind...Let my heartache thats deep inside oooze out into the forest ground to be replaced with peace and contentment....focus on nature with my photography like I've always wanted to do, that is the reason I started doing it in the first place...hang my clothes on line and play hide and seek with my man cub....the list could go on and on. What can I say? I'm a day dreamer.

Welcome home!

My sister and her family have finally moved home! I am sad that I can't go up the Seattle again and have her there but we are all so happy to have them back. Technically, she and the kids are back so far. They flew in tonight and Jake is coming soon with his dad and all of their things. Its been a very very long time since all of us girls have lived in the same state all at once. I think like 10+ years or something crazy like that. Its feels nice to have my girls so close. My family went to the suprise her as she got off of the plane. I was scooting around everywhere on my sorry excuse for transportation. My sister Dara can't handle seeing me on it. She just laughs everytime I roll by. Anways. We love you guys and are SOO happy you are home.

Larz and Kylee are inseparable. He begs for her all day, all night, as soon as he wakes up, etc. Whenever they are together I get a break and so does my sister kind of. Anyways. They are best buddies. 

So I'm pretty much the biggest moron in the world. I've been living in a handicapped world for the last 11 days. I went to Jerome for the afternoon to get some freash air and at the end of the day I decided to be an idiot. I was all happy and skipping around the town and I went up some stairs and thought.."hm, I'm going to slide down this rail and its going to be SO fun" ...so I did. I caught way too much speed and went flying off the end like a bat out of hell. I landed on my right heel causing it to break. My heel bone shot up into my ankle bone. I sat down and held my ankle in pain. I didn't cry but I did know something was wrong. I got some help across the street from some stranger. the next day I went to see my brother in law (he's a chiropractor) and he did an xray. I couldn't get the best angle with his machine but he was able to see a little of what was going on. I had a partial dislocation as well so he popped that back into place. It really didn't hurt that bad. I went on the next few days, chasing larz around, doing my shoots, and just being crazy like usual. It still hurt really bad. So I finally went to the Urgent care and got another xray. this time I could get into the position that was needed and it showed that I had a broken heel. the following day I went to an actual foot dr and he wanted to give me a Cat Scan but due to the fact that I'm in between insurance's I couldn't afford that. he said that he would give me a temporary cast for 3 weeks but he really wants to see if I would need to surgically have it fixed since there are fragments of bone floating around in my foot. So here I am, with a two year old, wearing a giant cast, working and relying on my mother more than ever. ha ha. I hope I won't need surgery. I got this push cart thing this morning and its awesome. I can move really really fast. I'm still in a lot of pain but I'm just happy to be able to move around. I feel for those who have had foot/leg problems. Its very hard to do regular things and not be very very tired at the end of the day. I am still doing my shoots/weddings. I have to bring home the bacon for me and my man cub. Sigh.  
 
 
 

Home

We all got together for My parents anniversary over at their place. I love their house. The photos of the garden don't even jusitfy and thats only one of her many gardens. we had so much fun eating burgers and horsing around on the side yard. My parents are so in love...its great. It felt so nice to sit back there and feel the breeze and talk and laugh. I love my family.